Under Pressure: Confessing My Biggest Fears About Employment
The world of work can be a scary place when you’re still an apprentice, it’s time to be honest about what’s really scaring me…
I’ve been working as a digital marketing apprentice for almost a full year. You’d think at this point my fears about being in employment would be put to rest but even now I still have a lot of anxiety about my apprenticeship and what’s going to happen once my course is complete.
When I first started applying for jobs back in late 2019 I didn’t have any experience in the field. I took online courses, attended a career insight day, and received guidance from local mentors as I attempted to prove to potential employers that I was a good fit for the industry. While others saw this as me being hardworking and determined, all I could focus on was how I felt completely unqualified for the jobs being listed.
These feelings persisted whilst I attended countless interviews throughout the next year. I never felt as though I was a serious candidate for the roles I’d applied for, in my mind I was convinced that employers would see me as some squeaky voiced child rather than the professional adult I’d made myself out to be on my CV. Every rejection or ghosting from local companies was just another sign that I simply wasn’t good enough to make it.
Eventually I managed to land a placement at an agency that ticked all the right boxes for me; the employees who interviewed me were clearly passionate about what they did as well as supportive of one another, and there were plenty of training opportunities too. I was practically bouncing off the walls with excitement when I received a job offer!
I’ve been loving my apprenticeship so far and my colleagues and tutors have been absolutely incredible helping me this past year… but in the back of my mind I’m still constantly doubting myself and my abilities. Logically I know that it’s totally normal to feel out of my depth when I’m just starting my career. Unfortunately, my brain refuses to listen to logic and instead insists that I am just not good enough, eventually I’m going to do something so catastrophically bad that I get myself fired.
When other people on my apprenticeship course insist on coming to me for answers, I feel like I’ve somehow tricked them into thinking that I know what I’m doing. When I’ve received opportunities to represent myself and my employer at events, I feel that I’m a fraud who hasn’t earned his place. I’ve slowly begun to make a name for myself but can’t comprehend what I’ve done to earn this recognition in the first place.
Sometimes the positive feedback does manage to get through to me; someone will comment about how well I’m doing, or I’ll achieve something that feels important, and I’m reminded that I’m actually a capable person. These feelings don’t tend to last very long though before I start berating myself for being arrogant and conceited for thinking I’ve done well.
I’m slowly learning to let go of these thoughts. Although I’m not an expert in my field yet I’ve still come a long way from where I started 3 years ago; I’m gradually making myself acknowledge all the good things that I’ve achieved and to be more open with others when I’m feeling less confident in my abilities. Admittedly I’m still awful at putting pressure on myself to be perfect but I’m getting there. At the very least I know that one mistake isn’t going to ruin my career… right?
